I want to loose myself sometime...

I want to loose myself sometime,
let go of all inhibitions,
loose control of my tongue,
speak out aloud,
all that's in my heart.

I want to tell the world,
what I think,
who I am,
but nobody's listening.

I want to loose myself sometime,
to someone who wants to know,
to somebody can't wait until the morning,
to know what I have to say,
to somebody who wants to know,
what is on my mind,
to somebody who wouldn't care,
if it was right or wrong,
to somebody who would hear me,
and not judge.

I want to loose my self sometime,
to somebody to whom my words
are more than just that,
to somebody, who doesn't think he knows me,
words loose meaning otherwise,
to somebody who won't kiss me
to shut me up,
but to somebody who would kiss me to let me know
that he is, and will always be there with me.

I take time before I speak,
he will know that,
he will know that his opinion is important,
and wouldn't impose it on me.

He will know, for every word I speak,
he had to inspire a confidence,
he and only his words could have.

I want to loose myself sometime,
let go of all my inhibitions,
loose control of my tongue,
speak out aloud,
all that's in my heart!

Self-Acceptance

Those who know me well or have been friends for a while at any point know this pretty well. I am a constant complainer of the fact that I do not have may friends. I make friends often but am not able to keep the relationship going for too long. I have been aware of the problem for a long. It was only yesterday that an incident brought my attention back to it.

I have this friend, lets call him 'X'. X is one of my best friends at this moment. I have shared almost everything about my life, however embarrassing it may be, with X. Until yesterday, everything was going great. I could talk to X for hours at a time. But, yesterday, for the first time in months, I almost cried after our conversation. I decided never to talk to X again and let go of another friend. Getting into stupid details of the incident will be a highly complicated and time-consuming job. So, instead of narrating the whole incident, I will talk about my lessons, inferences and conclusions from the incident.

When people become friends, they tend to share. And they tend to share really delicate information which should be kept a "secret" and should not be divulged to anyone. There is also stuff which should never be talked about again because thinking or talking about the stuff hurts. This stuff may also be embarrassing for a person. I tend to do the same. But then, after a while, when the friend mentions the stuff to me, it sounds totally weird to me. And in such a circumstances I run away from that person and promise myself never to talk to or see that person ever again.

The reason why I run away from my friends is not that they are bad. It is because I cannot accept that I can do bad and embarrassing things too. I am not able to accept the bad side of myself and when the other person talks about, it feels like he/she does not care about my feelings, which is not true at all.

It is important that we accept ourselves for who we are, however good or bad we may be. This acceptance is the perfection of life and so is the desire to improve ourselves.

I am certainly not going to talk to X for a while now. But, now that I have realized that its not in X that the problem lies, but in me, I am going to make sure that I do not lose a friend. And as I will learn to accept my own faults, I will also learn to accept other people for who they are.

A friend once told me that, "If you can sit with yourself for 10 minutes without any agitation and at peace, you can sit with any man in the world". I did not understand it then, but I am sure I understand what it means now.

A review of the last few days...

I hope that the phase of negativity in my life has finally passed to give way to some sun shine.
I don't know if anyone is interested in knowing this but I am doing great. I have my mood swings but its still fine. They don't last too long and will hopefully be gone once I am over this exam anxiety.

A lot has happened in the last few days. I had a crush.I mistook it to be love. I did a lot of silly things. And during this long time, what left me in awe was how I could still be silly even after having supposedly stepped out of my teen age a while ago.

Talking about awe, I am totally awe struck by things that life has been showing me in the last few days. I witness something everyday that leaves me feeling actually ALIVE. I am not much a fun-loving person. I love to dance in my room when no one is watching but I certainly don't dance when my friends are out there shaking a leg. I don't even like social gatherings a lot. So, I don't really feel alive a lot times a day on a normal day. But, these days, it different. I end up enjoying myself at the end of the day even when things are not at their best. Simply love the way things are going.

Faith and belief have played their part in the transition. It is perhaps a "someone's watching over me" belief that has got me going. I am glad that it happened. I believe in a guardian angel now. He is certainly watching over me and he is doing his job well.

Centre of Life

I was reading a self-help book today.
The book talked about various centres of life. These are the points around which we build our lives and these are the benchmarks according which we determine our reactions, consciously or sub-consciously. He had definitely had a point there when he broadly categorized the centers as spouse, family, money, work, possession, pleasure, friends, enemies, etc. The worst part was that I could identify with one of these centred lives. I found that I have actually built my life around one person. An enemy. I call the worst part because in my previous post, I had mentioned my enemy. What a coincidence!!!
But, there is a good side to everything. A diagnosis of a problem helps find its remedy. I have found the remedy. Our lives should be built around strong principles, which don't change easily. I will be preparing a mission statement soon which will help me make the right decisions in difficult times.

The Concept of Parallel Universe.

I have started to think a lot. Last few days have been really difficult and full of misery. But, as I always say, it is only in adversity that a person grows.
I took a break of 2 days and reflected. I reflected on the problems I am facing and my attitude towards it. I came to the conclusion that I badly need a change in my Attitude.
There are no real problems and no real enemies in this world. You are your greatest enemy when you have the wrong attitude and you see problems only when you choose to look at them.
It was when I thought about this that it the concept of parallel universe came to my mind.
Lets call my space of life, the things that surround me, my universe. My so called "enemy" lives in one universe while I live in  another. The beauty of the fact is that neither of us can interfere with another's universe and only we have the control over our own universe. With all the control over how we live our life, all that we need to do is to make the decisions that are right according to us. These decisions should keep us happy.
My "enemy" lives in a universe that is parallel to and visible from my universe but I cannot control what he does while I can decide if I want to be influenced by his actions whatever they may be. There may be things that he may be doing, intentionally or unintentionally, to hurt me. It is in this moment that I make a decision to mind what he is doing or ignore it or make it my strength.
It is in this moment that the direction, happiness or misery of life is be decided. And I decide to do it responsibly and in my best interest.

Another Childhood Dream

It was during a conversation today that I remembered that I had this big dream.

I want to own a big library some day. I want to collect every good book in that library. I want to read more. And I want to build a big collection of books for my own self.

It has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl. My teacher encouraged me to read a lot and I did. At one point, I even wanted to get a book as a present for every b'day. But, over time I became busy with my boring academic books and forgot all about this dream of mine. Of course, I still love to read, but for a while now I have been using libraries to get books and thats how I read most of the books. But, with this dream on my mind again, I am going to make sure I buy lots of books and even more, I am going to try to build this library.

My childhood dreams

I read a lot. A teacher who has left a great deal of influence on me encouraged me read ever since I was a little 8 year old. I tend to read books in a go. I am usually proud of doing that. However, today I came across a piece of text that I regret having read so quickly. I should have savored every word of it and I should have pondered over every statement that the man made in the book.
This book is called " The Last Lecture". It was written by Randy Pausch. I admire this man totally. To know more about this man and the book(which is a must read for every one alive), google it.

Here is what touched me the most.
It talked about achieving one's childhood dreams. Reading the word "childhood" always makes nostalgic. I loved my childhood. And talking about my dreams. As a kid, I never thought of anything as being a "dream". I  dreamed of things nevertheless. I thought about the book the whole day and came up with a few things I should decide to achieve out of my childhood dreams. So, I am going to write about what I liked and what I am going to about it.

1. I always wanted to be a strong and independent person.
Even as a little kid, though like every little girl I possessed a kitchen set, I never enjoyed playing with it. It was never "my thing". I hope to be just that, a strong independent lady who makes her own decision even if it will be to play with the kitchen set in future.

2. I always fancied knowing more than the two languages I knew.
I have always had this impulse to know more. Other cultures intrigued me. This inspired me to read. Though I could not go and actually see those cultures, I could still read stories about them.
So, I am going to keep learning languages as long as I can.

3. I loved to travel.
I have loved travelling. Though I don't make friends with people easily(I am working on that), I am able to talk to them easily. I like to go out and see  places, meet new people and I like it if it is a new one each time.
So, I am going to take many vacations, or even better, take up a job that involves a lot of travelling(and that will not be of a air hostess).

4. I loved to write.
And that is quite obvious because if I am actually sitting and penning it down, I should really be enjoying doing it. So, I am going to make sure I get at least one book published some time.

5. I always loved my family and friends.
I love to have people who love me, around me. So, even when I leave home, I am going to make sure that I am always surrounded by lots of people whom I love and who love me. Even later, I want a closely knit family and want to live in a home full of love.

This is what I have thought of doing until this minute and will keep updating as and when I am able to recall things of the past.